We gain so much more when we lose than\nwhen we win. Try telling that to your eight or ten-year-old grandson; it is about\nas welcome to them as hearing there\u2019ll be a test, closed book, on Friday,\nbefore Christmas vacation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
They wrestled their hearts out\nyesterday \u2013 both of them. And they wrestled kids who had all been wrestling for\ntwo and three years, as opposed to the two or three months of the boys. They\nfought hard never gave up, and the ten-year-old won a match, convincingly. But\nboth of them left the tournament with nothing more bruised than their egos and\ntheir spirit. There were tears upon exiting the mat for both of them at one\npoint or another and that rips at the heart of a grandfather to witness. Words\nare useless at that moment and words like \u201cwe gain so much more when we lose\nthan when we win\u201d; even less so. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But it is true. Not yesterday, not\ntoday, and not tomorrow \u2013 but one day the lessons about losing they learn from\nwrestling will prepare them for a difficult life\u2019s moment, and there is no\ndoubt but that it will buoy them for a lifetime. I know that. But they don\u2019t, not\nyet. And that is so hard. And it made me consider that perhaps life was also\nteaching me a lesson. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I lost matches during the years I wrestled;\nnowhere near as many as I won, but I certainly lost some. And I am pretty sure\nthat I remember the losses far better than the wins. In fact, there are two\nthat are etched into my brain for the duration of my time on this earth, while\nI think I might recall only one win. And that one win is memorable not for the\nmatch, but for who was watching. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I am sure dad came to some of my matches\nin my younger years of wrestling, but I don\u2019t recall. I don\u2019t really recall any\nof the matches from 6th<\/sup> grade up through probably my junior year \u2013\nthey just all faded into a conglomerate of memories all intertwined to the\nextent that all detail is lost. But even though I don\u2019t remember, I am sure he\ncame to some matches. But he didn\u2019t come to many my last few years in high\nschool \u2013 life was just too tumultuous for him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n He was VP of engineering in a small,\nbut highly profitable, design\/build machining company that focused mainly on military\napplications for the government. But then the owner died and in the resulting chaos,\nthe company was sold to a company in a neighboring state. Dad moved to the new\nplace, but their focus was recreational products and he was misplaced in that\njob, so he began looking elsewhere. This was around my junior year and was extremely\nhard on the family, although that was all unspoken. I just know that dad was\ngone for crazy long hours every day, not that I paid all that much attention.\nThe timeline is a little blurred, but I recall some details. I think he ended\nup working so far from home during the summer between my junior and senior year\nthat it was too far to drive home each day, so he only came home weekends. <\/p>\n\n\n\n The cost of two residences (coupled\nwith what I am sure was a loss of salary in the new job) meant that money was\ntight. I worked as the mate on a 40\u2019 sport fishing boat out of the local marina\nthat was owned by a lawyer. He needed a lot of help on the boat and paid me $3\/hr.\nunder the table to clean and maintain the boat, as well as to crew for him\nduring weekend trips either fishing or over to the fine restaurants in Newport.\nI worked a full 40 hours every week \u2013 some weeks more. And while $3 doesn\u2019t sound\nlike much, back in 1973 that was real good money for a teenager. And it all\nwent to my folks. I found out later that my money helped keep them financially afloat\nduring that difficult time. As I kid I didn\u2019t need much more than $5 or $10 in a\nweek and the lawyer would often tip me a $10 bill after a long trip out, so I\nwas all set and life was good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, during that summer they\ndecided to sell the house I had grown up in and move away. That was a hard slap\nin the face to me; I had never even thought about ever moving. And I now had an\nawesome girlfriend here that would soon be almost 40 miles away and that really\nsucked. We moved in late summer, but even though summer was almost over I still\nlost out on my last month or so on the boat. They rented a really cool house, built\nof all stone. The 40 miles from Wickford brought us close enough to his work to\nallow dad to come home every night, which was nice for him. But he was so very\nstressed and it was not a pleasant time for any of us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Just a few months later, he found a\njob in Erie Pennsylvania. Yes \u2013 Erie \u2013 some 600 miles away. I was stunned. But\nthat was only the beginning; they told me I would be staying here in RI; they\nhad made arrangements for me to live with a classmate so I could complete my\nsenior year (that for another story). They ended up leaving for Pennsylvania in\nmid-February. I had already moved into my friend\u2019s house by the time they climbed\ninto the car and headed off. In fact (to finally get back on point) the day\nthey were headed off on the 10-hour drive, I was not even in RI; I was in in CT\nat a wrestling tournament. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I was preparing for my 3rd<\/sup> match\nwhen I heard a familiar voice \u2013 it was dad. There is no highway here in RI to\nhead west to PA, so you have to either go north to MA or south to CT; he chose the\nroute in CT so he could make a fast stop to see me wrestle. To this day I have\nno idea where mom and my brothers were; either sitting in the parking lot with\nthe dog and all their stuff. Or maybe they drove both cars out there and she had\nmy brothers and just kept driving. I never did ask and to this day don\u2019t know\nthe answer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But to see him there was electrifying\nfor me. As much as we fought through my teenage years and as miserable as our\nrelationship often was, he was my dad and though I didn\u2019t admit it often, to me\nhe wore the cape of a super hero. We had left RI for the tournament at\nsomething like 5AM and I knew it was the day they were leaving RI forever, so I\nwas not in the best of moods that day. I felt a bit of a hole at being left\nalone (family-wise) and I really wasn\u2019t feeling much like wrestling. But I was\nseeded fairly high and had readily won my first two matches. I knew nothing about\nthe kid I was to wrestle next, but it really didn\u2019t matter to me; each match is\nunique and you don\u2019t know how it will go until you get out there and make first\ncontact. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But when I saw dad there just before\nthe match, I was suddenly pumped. I ran out on the mat and absolutely dominated\nthe kid, quickly pinning him with an obscure move called a stack. It was a great\nbout for me and I was delighted to show off for my dad. But just as suddenly as\nhe was there, he was gone, back on the road. An hour or so later I wrestled in\nthe semi-finals and were I to choose an adjective, lethargic might be the one\u2026.\nor listless; uninspired; dispirited. I lost. (Truthfully, I won \u2013 I was winning\non point near the end of the last period and there was an insane scramble in which\nI used a switch for a reversal. During the move, my back ended up parallel and\nclose to the mat \u2013 an integral part of the maneuver \u2013 and the ref awarded him five\npoints for back exposure and near fall and only gave me two for the reversal.\nMy coach went crazy, as did many others watching, but the ref held fast to his\ncall and I ended up losing by a point.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n So, I went to the consolation round\nwhere I won third place. The kid that got the gift in the semi\u2019s and beat me,\nwent on to win the tournament. So yeah \u2013 you remember the losses more than the\nwins, but for this one tournament I remember both a win and a loss. Funny thing\nis that I still remember the name of the kid that I lost to in that semi-final\nmatch, but not the names of any of the kids I beat that day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The wrestling career of papa is over,\nlong over, as is my son\u2019s; but the boys\u2019 is (hopefully) just beginning. What is\nhard for them is that there are youth wrestling clubs everywhere now, so kids\nwho wrestle typically start at age five or six, as opposed to my grandsons who\nare beginning at eight and ten. Truthfully, if they stay with it, the younger\nwill ultimately hold an advantage as he started at a younger age. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But right now, it is the older one who\nhas the advantage; at ten he is more advanced in strength, muscle mass, coordination,\nand all the other physical characteristics that the sport demands. That is just\na function of age. But through their childhoods, he has always been a bit more\nathletic than his younger brother \u2013 just how the genes shook things out \u2013 he\u2019s\nhad an arm like a cannon since he was two or three for example. And he has won\na couple of his matches, which always helps fortify the reason for pursuing the\nsport: winning is fun and rewarding and as such, provides motivation to continue\nto chase it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But the younger has not won a match\nyet, and I fear he may grow discouraged. He is as resilient as the finest pink\nrubber ball (only the older folks will truly connect to this reference,\nalthough I think the reminiscing of boomers has brought them back to at least a\nlimited market). He bounces back beautifully and completely from everything\nthat gets thrown at him. But he needs a win to keep the fire fueled. He is also\na gentle soul and lacks the controlled rage that needs to be lit in a wrestling\nmatch. So I hope he stays with it through the years, but fear he may get\ndiscouraged. <\/p>\n\n\n\n You can lose in every sport of course \u2013\nanything in which points are tallied results in winners and losers. But wrestling\nis somewhat unique in that you are alone out there. In many other sports, you\nare out there surrounded by teammates: soccer, football, baseball, basketball, and\nhockey are all examples. You win and lose as a team. Certainly, a singular hero\nor goat can arise in a team sport given a particularly spectacular or horrible\nplay by one player \u2013 Bill Buckner\u2019s muffed ground ball in the World Series Game\n6 comes to mind and it haunted him the rest of his career. And certainly,\nFranco Harris and the immaculate reception on the hero side. But for the most\npart an individual does not stand out much in a team sport. But in wrestling,\nit is you alone out there on the big mat with no one else except your opponent.\nAnd losing out there, alone, is difficult; losing by getting pinned even more\nso. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And man alive, do you ever learn from losing\nin that manner. You learn humility and humbleness; dignity in defeat. You have\nno choice. Sure, many kids left the mats yesterday with tears in their eyes, my\ntwo included, and that is nothing more than a reflection of their intensity and\npassion. But the lesson is learned none the less; invisibly and unconsciously\nthey are learning how to lose. The prescribed steps of the sport dictate that.\nAt the conclusion of every match, the wrestlers are required to return to the\ncenter circle, face each other and shake hands, then remove their color-coded\nanklets (used for scoring) and place them back on the spot on the mat, and then\nto go shake hands with the opponent\u2019s coach; all this before they can run off\nthe mat to either celebrate or commiserate. If you want to wail to the world, going\nthrough this routine after every match delays that, retards it enough that the\nintensity of the moment diminishes ever so slightly. They learn to continue life\ndespite their pain and disappointment and that is a significant part of why I\nso love the sport.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But as a grandfather, I do not enjoy watching my boys go through it; watching them lose is very hard on me because I love them so. I absolutely could not care less if they ever win a match \u2013 their success in wrestling matters not at all to me, aside from relishing their personal joy in it. I want them happy, not sad. When I watch them fight so hard and lose, and I see the pain and unhappiness in their face, it pains me terribly. I certainly never liked losing, but me losing pales by comparison to watching them lose. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And it was the same with my son when he wrestled; I was an animal in the stands screaming and acting out every move I felt he needed to use to win because I hated the disappointment in his face if he didn\u2019t win. However, despite the discomfort, deep inside I know how valuable these moments are in developing the depth of character I wish for them as men. <\/p>\n\n\n\n There are those who say you should never accept defeat. I get the concept and agree with the philosophy \u2013 never give up, never stop trying \u2013 truly an adage by which to live. But defeat will come; we all lose at some point. I don\u2019t mean that we should like it, but we need to know that we will lose and we need to know how to lose \u2013 without being a total jerk about it. Losing graceful and with dignity is not weak and is not undesirable; it shows tremendous character and inner strength. And that is a lesson we can all embrace, dear reader, regardless of whether we are ten or seventy, playing sports or competing for a business deal, or merely driving down the road. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We gain so much more when we lose than when we win. Try telling that to your eight or ten-year-old grandson; it is about as welcome to them as hearing there\u2019ll be a test, closed book, on Friday, before Christmas vacation. They wrestled their hearts out yesterday \u2013 both of them. And they wrestled kids […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2145,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"ocean_front_end_style_editor":"no","ocean_post_layout":"","ocean_both_sidebars_style":"","ocean_both_sidebars_content_width":0,"ocean_both_sidebars_sidebars_width":0,"ocean_sidebar":"0","ocean_second_sidebar":"0","ocean_disable_margins":"enable","ocean_add_body_class":"","ocean_shortcode_before_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_after_top_bar":"","ocean_shortcode_before_header":"","ocean_shortcode_after_header":"","ocean_has_shortcode":"","ocean_shortcode_after_title":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_widgets":"","ocean_shortcode_before_footer_bottom":"","ocean_shortcode_after_footer_bottom":"","ocean_display_top_bar":"default","ocean_display_header":"default","ocean_header_style":"","ocean_center_header_left_menu":"0","ocean_custom_header_template":"0","ocean_custom_logo":0,"ocean_custom_retina_logo":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_width":0,"ocean_custom_logo_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_tablet_max_height":0,"ocean_custom_logo_mobile_max_height":0,"ocean_header_custom_menu":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_family":"0","ocean_menu_typo_font_subset":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_size":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_font_size_unit":"px","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_font_weight_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_tablet":"","ocean_menu_typo_transform_mobile":"","ocean_menu_typo_line_height":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_line_height_unit":"","ocean_menu_typo_spacing":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_tablet":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_mobile":0,"ocean_menu_typo_spacing_unit":"","ocean_menu_link_color":"","ocean_menu_link_color_hover":"","ocean_menu_link_color_active":"","ocean_menu_link_background":"","ocean_menu_link_hover_background":"","ocean_menu_link_active_background":"","ocean_menu_social_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_bg":"","ocean_menu_social_links_color":"","ocean_menu_social_hover_links_color":"","ocean_disable_title":"default","ocean_disable_heading":"default","ocean_post_title":"","ocean_post_subheading":"","ocean_post_title_style":"","ocean_post_title_background_color":"","ocean_post_title_background":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_image_position":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_attachment":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_repeat":"","ocean_post_title_bg_image_size":"","ocean_post_title_height":0,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay":0.5,"ocean_post_title_bg_overlay_color":"","ocean_disable_breadcrumbs":"default","ocean_breadcrumbs_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_separator_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_color":"","ocean_breadcrumbs_links_hover_color":"","ocean_display_footer_widgets":"default","ocean_display_footer_bottom":"default","ocean_custom_footer_template":"0","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"ocean_post_oembed":"","ocean_post_self_hosted_media":"","ocean_post_video_embed":"","ocean_link_format":"","ocean_link_format_target":"self","ocean_quote_format":"","ocean_quote_format_link":"post","ocean_gallery_link_images":"off","ocean_gallery_id":[],"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2144","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life","entry","has-media"],"yoast_head":"\n